SO HAPPY TO BE HOME!

Im having so much fun being home! Whenever I come home I realize how much I love St George and how i should have never left it! Its seriously the best place ever! A few days ago i went up to Russ Christiansans cabin with all my boys from high school and it was SO FREAKIN FUN! We played murderer in the dark, yatzee, went sledding, ate hamburgers, watched a scary movie, and had tons and tons of good conversations. I just love every one of them and im so happy they are all home from their missions. It feels so good to be with true friends. Its that thing i could never find in Hawaii. People who really love me for me and never question why i do what i do. And they dont judge. And they dont talk crap on each other. They have always been drama free and i hope we all stay drama free for the rest of forever!

Last night I dressed up like an elf for my niece and nephew so they would know that santa is watching them and they need to be good! and i looked so creepy! haha but they totally thought they saw an elf!

So yeah. Life is good.

travel...

I hate airports. I hate the way they smell... and i hate smashed subway sandwiches! ugh! Im missing Hawaii already but im SO excited to be home! I think... i know that i have more to look forward to than to look back on.. if that makes sense. I board my flight to vegas in about ten minutes! Time flies when you're having a blast! I hope i don't sit next to another gross old man who smells like alcohol. Not enjoyable. oh! ps. I helped a lady order a sandwich today because she spoke spanish! Already blessed with the gift of tongues? probably not. whatev. over and out.

The end of the semester!

So bitter sweet. But mostly just sweet. I worked everything out with Tyson so were friends again but i don't see him much anymore and thats okay with me. Its been nice. But also very boring. I talked and sang in church today and i think i did pretty good. Everyone said i did good and they're not liars! Finals have been rough! My entire Saturday consisted of me slaving away in the library over my Communications paper. But i got it done and it only took me 8 hours! ugh! Its okay though, i had the New Pornographers to get me through it. (a band!) This next week is going to be a breeze i can feel it! I take most of my tests tomorrow and hand in all my papers and then.... pretty much just work for the rest of the week. That means tons of free time to do a bit of Christmas shopping and do a bit of beaching. Speaking of beach! We took our family photos today for our Christmas cards! They are super cute! We dressed up in winter clothes and took them on the beach. Were really going to send them. it will be grand! AH! Im so ready to go home! I already have so many great things planned out! Bon fires, Christmas parties, New Years, and seeing Brandon! Life is good. This semester has been so good. Im so glad that I got to meet the people that I did. Im going to be so sad when I have to leave Kellie, Ally and Kammi! UGH! Everyone else can go die. (i don't mean that) I think im going to go start packing some stuff up... just cuz im kinda excited. :)

rawr

i hate tyson. done with him and his stupid asian make out ways! on a better note. i dyed my hair today and i love it.

I wanna go home

Im done with school and boys and 6 girls in a house (not that i don't love them to pieces) and im done with worrying about Tyson. He is just not considerate of anyones feelings and im not okay with that. Im a tad disenchanted with him. If you're going to be someones best friend and simultaneously know that they like you, then you have got to be careful about what you do and say around them! Life is not a video game! You cant just start over! I have to write a 12 page paper on the effects of technology on children and young adults and i have to write a 4 page paper on philosophy. ugh. And i miss home and i miss my friends and im really excited to see Brandon! yay! ps. i had a dream last night that i married the wrong person. :(

Sugar Coated Rage

Kammi

Kellie

Crystal

Bri

are all full of the most extreme case of rage ever seen in this house. First. We dance punched the rage and did our hair and makeup really scary. Then. We road our longboards out into the night and talked out our rage. Now. Were writing angry letters and blogging about our rage! And guess what? its probably not going to fix anything. sigh. We hate boys. HATE THEM!!! They are stupid and they use you and never think twice about all the nice things you do for them and never show you how much they supposedly love or care about you! BLEGH! So were making our house a no boys allowed house. were going to do many a fun thing and not invite the boys over. I hope its obvious that were angry and don't want to see them. They're a bunch of ass faces. especially the red headed ones. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! :(

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!

And especially in our house! We decorated with red garland, colored lights that line the trim on the ceiling, little snowflakes made of paper, a silver Christmas tree that has ornaments and candy canes, and tube sock stockings lining our entertainment center/makeshift fireplace. Our house was in a lot of turmoil for a few weeks, and i feel as though the Christmas spirit has finally brought a bit of peace to the house. The air smells of cinnamon, and the Christmas music is constantly playing. And to top it all off, everyone has been giving each other nice notes in the stockings! I love Christmas. I love what it does to people. I love that weird magical feeling! And i thought i would never be able to feel it in the tropics... buts its here. Just goes to show that its not all about physical things.... it really is the spirit. :)

Last Night

Last night i talked to Tyson for 5 hours! Until like 1:30 in the morning. It was one of those talks where they just go all over the place and you get to know each other really well. It was even complete with a few of those pauses that aren't really awkward, but you just stare at each other and its happy and content and you don't feel like you need to fill up the silence with anything.... i love that. Im pretty sure we had maybe 3 tickle fights (which is NOT unusual) a freckle counting contest and a 2 hour back scratch.... and then..... he almost kissed me! hahaha. But he chickened out and im sad he didn't do it... but glad at the same time.... its kind of complicated. Im head over heels for him but at the same time i don't want to ruin it either. I love having him as my best friend. He is seriously the weirdest, most pensive, over-analytical, silly, giggly person ever and thats why i love him so much... and you know what i mean by that. :)

Sister Crystal Maria Bates...

Called to serve in the Santiago Chile Mission, spanish speaking!!!!! Words cannot describe how happy i am! I never thought i would go to South America and thought that if i did i wouldn't like it. I know this sounds so cheesy but I already love the people and want to share everything i know with them! I kinda feel like Chile is already sort of my country. When i opened my call i totally got that feeling like... yeah... this is where you are supposed to go, it was chosen for you by God and its where you will do the best. HOLY CRAP! Im so excited to learn spanish! Im excited to learn more about the gospel and become my best self. Im so thankful for the army of support the Lord has provided for me. So many people who are just as excited as i am that im going and who are offering my so many options for learning and growing. Im so ready to devote 18 months of my life to the best possible thing in the world, the gospel and spreadin it like butter on toast! I have received so much good advice and I hope the people giving the advice don't stop giving it. In other news, Tyson is my best friend and I love him for being just that. :)

OMG!!!!

I talked to my bishop today and he said that my call was sent on Friday!!! He said the earliest i could receive my call is Tuesday, but that it probably wont show up until Thursday or Friday. Oh happy day! Im so flippin excited! It turns out, the reason it was being delayed is because of my work history. I used to be a homecare "nurse" where i basically cleaned peoples houses and helped them with their meds and stuff. They were going to send me on a medical mission! Like, i was going to go be a nurse in some destitute country! How awesome would that have been? Bishop called them and told them that im not a nurse and so... thats not an option anymore. But the lord knows whats best and where i will be able to use my other talents. Now i guess its safe to make guesses! Its in the mail and i cant jinx it anymore! I want to go to Europe!!! Maybe Spain, or Switzerland! I want to speak spanish or french. But i will be totally fine with anywhere state side. Heres hoping to foreign!

A wicked sweet night!

Last night all of these wonderful people and myself took a two hour bus ride to the wonderful "Ice Palace" to go ice skating! It was so freaking fun! On the bus ride we played truth or dare where there were many stories of first kisses and dates, and a lovely rendition of Twinkle Little Star by Tyson, complete with wrong words and a confused audience. We took a pioneer trek to the rink and ice skated for a few hours. The ice was horrible! So bumpy and hard to skate on. I thought my ankles were going to break. And it turns out, Kellie and Tyson are pro skaters and make the rest of us look like retards sliding around and pretending to skate.

So then skating time was over and we went to the bus stop to catch the bus and it was 10:05 and we had already missed it. So we walked around for a while trying to formulate a plan and finally found one car to take half of us and another car to take the left overs. Im so happy that i was in the left overs group! We had so much fun! We were laughing so hard and took so many ridiculous pictures and made some memories i know I will never forget. It was one of those nights, as Tyson said, where you go home and you pray and thank God over and over for how great your life is and how he puts so many great people and wonderful experiences in your life. Im so incredibly freaking blessed! My roomies are fabulous and make me laugh till i almost pee my pants every day, and every single day is a party... im living it up in Hawaii for the first time and im so grateful... and sad that i have to leave. Speaking of, my call is still in Salt Lake. Im beginning to think it will never come!

The talk

I talked to Tyson last night! I finally got the guts up to just get everything out in the open. And i will say it went really well, although the outcome is a tad disappointing. He told me he likes me a lot (and mentioned "more than a friend") haha, but that he really likes what we have now because im his closest friend he has here and that he doesn't want a relationship to ruin it. Makes sense. He also said that he has never had a good break up... he is thinking like 10 steps ahead. but okay. He also said that it didn't mean we wouldn't date, but that at the moment he didn't want anything to change.... but lets be honest, we have like a month and a half before im outta here. speaking of, my freaking call has not come yet! Probably about two more weeks i think. I hope. UGH! I wish we could just date and see what happens. but maybe this is better... and will save a lot of sadness. I told myself before that i would be happy with just being friends with him if it came to that and so i will be happy for this. :). I have a best friend. What more could i ask for?

GRRRRR

Mi Vida chupas.

admitting it

i am coming to terms with a thought that has been in my head ever since i put in my papers. im having second thoughts. I don't want to leave Hawaii and maybe im being super selfish because things are going really well here... but i don't wanna go. so im thinking about maybe putting my papers on hold.... the whole call. i need little more time to feel things out. there are too many big things happening right now that i just need time to figure it out peacefully and un-rushed. so i entertained the thought of maybe going to school in the winter and letting the call sit till the summer..... is that a bad idea? im just!!! AAAAH! but then its like... if im going to stay then i need to find housing and register.... maybe i should do all that just in case and then i can just cancel it all if i need to? i dunno. its confusing for me. ps. spanish is fun ;)

pot thoughts

no im not smoking pot. but i just might be writing a blog from the bathroom. i was sitting in the living room and i was like... the bathroom... such a weird place of relief. and then i thought of all the great thoughts that come to you while you are there... so here i am. don't be weird about it. Okay... so i gots a crush. And it started out as like an extreme crush thats all giddy and stupid weird. but now its one of those where you like them but you don't expect anything from them. personally, i think this is the better way. less disappointment. Tonight i felt like maybe the crush feelings were reciprocated but again, im not getting my hopes up. i would be totally satisfied with a friendship. I haven't had that guy friendship in my life since i have moved to Hawaii. you know how you have those guy friendships? they're usually the best kind because they don't have a lot of drama. just fun. So im totally okay with that... but he is just so darn attractive. haha. im stupid.

ps. i hate it when i go to sit down on the couch (which is sued) and i can see peoples butt prints and i don't wanna sit there...

and tonight they leave

i have my stake presidents interview tonight and then my papers get sent out tonight!!!!! That means, in two weeks i will know where i will be serving for the next year and a half! AAAAHHHHH! this is so crazy!

getting close!

Today i met with the bishop for my final interview. Can i just say that Bishop Ellis is truly inspired of God? He really is! He gave me so much good advice and made me feel so excited about going on my mission without making it too.. fluffy. He also told me how much a mission can suck but how if you just love the people all you can, it will bless you for years and years. Two hours of really inspiring stories and just being able to feel how much he loves you and cares about you. I loved every second of it. And i will be putting my papers in next week! and hopefully two weeks after that and i will have my call! aaaaah!

all you need is love (wompee nonee naaah!)

I’m Crystal. I’m a Mormon. I’m straight, and I LOVE my Gay friends.

I want to help bridge the divide between my church and the gay community.

I will never judge.

I will only love, as I have been taught in the gospel to do.

I will also pray. I will pray that others who have forgotten to love and chosen to judge will remember who they are and what they are supposed to stand for.

I promise to stand up for those bullied because of their sexual orientation, their religious convictions, or for any other reason bullying may occur.

Although i believe homosexuality is a choice I request I not be branded “brain-washed” by those who disagree with what they believe my faith teaches.

I feel for those who have felt betrayed, insulted, shocked, or outraged by the LDS position on homosexuality, and although that position may never change, I promise to be a source of compassion and friendship to those who seek it. I also promise that i will always stand by my church.

I recognize that I can never understand the heart-ache and struggle that a person or family must go through when dealing with homosexuality particularly within a religious paradigm. I promise not to make that struggle more difficult for anyone.

I will not classify Boyd K Packers talk as “Hate Speech,” but I promise to strike down hate speech against Gays and against Mormons wherever I may find it.

I promise to continue to seek the good and virtuous from the gay community, and plea that they will seek the good and virtuous from the Mormons.

There is common ground. I know we can find it. There are passionate opinions and emotions from all parties, but there is no need to be enemies.

I can only speak for myself. I know I cannot fix this alone or even at all, but I want to try. I seek those from all sides of this issue who desire a peaceful coexistence from this cultural nightmare.

Theres a storm in there

I think there may be something wrong with me. Every time i eat i get an upset stomach afterwards. As my friends may know, i have been trying for some time to return my body to a state of homeostasis by eating activia yogurt and taking fiber supplements. But now i never have an appetite and my stomach is always bloaty and irritated. And i can always here it churning.... and complaining. I can get super hungry and just look at food and it doesn't even look or sound good to me, but i eat it because i know i should and then my stomach hurts really bad afterwards. im getting tired of eating.

sick day

I am so sick. probably the first time i have been legitaly sick since moving to hawaii. ugh. the only semi good thing about it is i have no appetite so i think i might lose some weight! wish i could go out and do something fun like climb a mountain. I want to go to Montana. The mountains there look really pretty in pictures and i would like to meet them in person. I also would like to go to Eugene Oregon and hang out with my friend Ellen cuz it sounds like she is having a great time there. oh bother. I feel like im under water right now!!! And not in a cool way... just the pressure way.

Ive really been trying to use more paragraphs when i type and write because i just switch subjects so quickly that i think my writing would be hard to follow. oh well. I really like my classes this semester. Im actually sad that im too sick to attend them today. plus i probably missed something important. im okay with not seeing that girl who always eats loud smelly food in class though. (she talks to herself too... :/) its actually kind of fun to sit near her and hear what she whispers to herself.... well... i think its nap time. this ramble is ovah!!!

i miss em

I miss my family a lot. I have been hearing a lot about people and their crazy messed up families, and i feel really grateful for the simplicity and peace that i feel about my family. Even though it is a lot more complicated... really... i feel okay about it. Sometimes we all get a long and sometimes we don't. its okay. Im really excited to see my brother Tarek this Christmas. Even though i never see him I think about him and his family all the time and i miss talking to him and laughing. he probably would never imagine that i think this haha. And i miss sharing clothes with my sister Monyca and holding baby Blaise. I wish i knew my nieces and nephews better. Especially Dallin and Keely. They probably have no idea who I am. Anywho, just a random reminiscing blog.

best book ever.

everyone needs to read the perks of being a wallflower. i got done reading it yesterday and it seriously wont leave me alone! It will make you think and make you feel good and sad and make you appreciate the good simple things in life. it might even make you feel infinite.

Not for me (New Song)

I don't wanna talk to the fly on the wall

I don't wanna talk to nobody at all

I don't really wanna be alone tonight

but feelin like this, i can win this fight

I guess you could say that i've given up

i wasn't ever aiming for a first place cup

but my soul cant even hope to survive

in a place that only ever tells it to die

it shouldn't be this hard

it shouldn't take this long

its taken this much pain

to see that this is wrong

All my "friends" try to give me advice

i can see them fake it, trying to be nice

they don't even know what goes on in my head

every night when i lye awake crying in bed

I know it seems im just being negative

its hard when you're alive and don't really live

just going through the motions, movin my feet

hiding my emotions without being discreet

it shouldn't be this hard

it shouldn't take this long

its taken this much pain

to see that this is wrong

The New Pornogrophers !!!

guess what? because roommate never comes home.... i dance in my room listening to the new pornographers. guess what else? other house mates are in the process of moving out. my life is becoming so happy!!!! no more subway! finals are over! house mates leaving! the farmers market is today AND its payday!!!!!

back to my turtle shell

well for some reason i cant type below this picture.... im slowly becoming an introvert home body. and i don't think im okay with that. the only good that has come from it, is that im more artistically inclined... since all i do it sit around and think all day. I want to go outside. I want to camp. I want to jump off of something. I want to hike stairway. Im going insane not having the tools or friends to get my outdoor fix. Its like ma drugs!!! But really... the unsettled feeling in my stomach i think is what might lead people to drugs. Or its what i imagine happening to people as they get older. they get boring. I never ever want that to happen me! will someone please let me tag along on an adventure or something? Im so tired of movies and sleeping and feeling alone. Boo. :(

In the Night (new song i wrote)

Come I know a place that we can go

hidden well but not far from the road

we can sit and talk amongst the pines

lay with me and tell of trying times

As the sun fades air is getting cold

as the sun fades i am getting bold

I don't wanna leave this spot tonight

don't want the time to take away the light

Hold my hand before i go insane

confused excited feeling i cant tame

hold me close and tell me silly things

just kiss my lips and give my heart its wings

ignore the phone no one can tell us no

please stay with me so we don't have to go

i wont say it if you don't say it first

we don't have to leave or be coerced

let me hide my hands behind your neck

look into my eyes and stay in check

warm my frozen nose against your chest

tightly in a mold we could stay pressed

i think that in the dark this peaceful night

in this peaceful night that i just might

ask you why it is we are just friends

and if you kissed me how it all would end

oh how it all would end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

as usual any comments or criticism is appreciated! thanks for reading!

teedle hee

i go to the dentist on tuesday! ahh! i hope i don't have any cavities... but chances are, i do. i haven't been to the dentist in like 5 years... seriously... that long! the doctor even longer! so it was nice to go and find out i don't have any diseases. Guys! im getting so close to putting in my papers! im so nervous/excited! i taught gospel doctrine today and taught the story of Jonah and the whale and how we need to spread the word of the lord. I feel like it was kind of my confirmation that im on the right track. :) I had fun teaching and the spirit was really strong. I think i did a good job of combining fun with the spirit. im excited to be surrounded by the spirit all the time and to see the lord change some lives! Its so amazing that i have this opportunity to witness miracles and to serve. I love my life. :)

heart cracks.

yes or no. is it weird that i talk to dans best friends like all the time but i haven't spoken to him in weeks? it seems like if i watch a sad movie or, in this case, just got done reading mockingjay, i think about how mad i am at him and how he probably doesn't know, or doesn't care that he has really hurt my feelings. I wouldn't say that he broke my heart. no. he only slightly cracked what was glued back together. My heart has only been seriously shattered once and i never plan to ever let it be even slightly broken that badly again. And not all breaks are caused by failed relationships. I think, maybe my hearts bondings were weakened when my parents got divorced... even more so when my dad died. Support beams falling as I lost my mothers trust in a moment of weakness. Crashed a few cars. Lost all my money from when my dad died. and then a long came the person who ruined my life and shattered my heart. (well obviously he didn't ruin my life since im still here and roughly the same person i was before) And that is a whole other can of worms that i choose never to open. ever.

i wish...

1. I wish i didn't walk on eggshells

2. I wish i didn't receive a but load of unwanted advice from people who have no idea who I am.

3. I wish i felt pretty again.

4. I wish people knew how much i really don't think about dan.

5. I wish people knew that i still love him, i don't hate him at all.

6. I wish someone would be really excited about things that matter to me instead of saying "hmm"

7. I wish i could accurately describe what im feeling but im too retarded.

8. I wish ally were here.

9. I wish I wasn't always in the judgement seat.

Just leave me alone. I don't care about what you think of me! Ever since i was little my mother said I was a free spirit. Im going to stay true to who i am. I wont change for you and your standards.

New Song

I wrote this song. Tell me what you think of it.

I cant help but feel a bit like im ten

when i think of you now and then

we were so stupid but so in love

thought of nothing more than wishes above

at the time it felt realler than real

that moment was the only one you could feel

you can analyze like a girl for hours and hours

why a falling out loomed like foreboding towers

CHORUS

I don't ever wanna be alone, except when i do

I don't ever wanna be alone, except when im with you

I don't ever wanna see the funny things you do

cuz needless to say im kinda mad at you

My skin crawls when you are so quiet

you have put us on a no words diet

out of sight out of mind is where i will be

until you can remember why it was you picked me

Do you ever feel a bit like you're ten?

Do you ever think of me now and then?

Do you really believe that we were in love?

Do you care for the wishes I send above?

CHORUS

So when you decide you want to wake up

I will be here and i wont try to fake up

You are still my hearts ever aching explosion

I will keep my hope, and i will keep my composure.

hide your sons and hide your daughters.

no where is safe. not even a blog. not facebook, not e mail, not television, not radio, no where but inside your head. The only thing that is still safe is true art and nature.

I don't hate subway no mores. they gives me free samiches and now there are newer people than me so no one criticizes my crappy sandwich making skills. Im just the picasso of sandwich artistry! what can i say? And we even got new t shirts! yay! I had a good weekend. things are good other than me getting into random facebook fights. I wish everyone would just stay out of everyone elses business!

Jack Johnson? Oh Yeah?

Today I saw Jack Johnson riding his bike on north shore! It was pretty cool. We turned the car around and tried to find him to get his autograph but we couldn't find him! Oh well... at least we saw him. :)

good advice

this is some good advice i found online. I know it has helped me just by making me question some of my actions and motives. Hope it can maybe help you too!

1. Commit yourself to making lots of mistakes. – Mistakes teach youimportant lessons. The biggest mistake you can make is doing nothing because you’re too scared to make a mistake. So don’t hesitate – don’t doubt yourself. In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it! And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win. Remember, if you never act, you will never know for sure, and you will be left standing in the same spot forever.
2. Find hard work you love doing. – If I could offer my 18-year-old self some real career advice, I’d tell myself not to base my career choice on other people’s ideas, goals and recommendations. I’d tell myself not to pick a major because it’s popular, or statistically creates graduates who make the most money. I’d tell myself that the right career choice is based on one key point: Finding hard work you love doing. As long as you remain true to yourself, and follow your own interests and values, you can find success through passion. Perhaps more importantly, you won’t wake up several years later working in a career field you despise, wondering “How the heck am I going to do this for the next 30 years?” So if you catch yourself working hard and loving every minute of it, don’t stop. You’re on to something big. Because hard work ain’t hard when you concentrate on your passions.
3. Invest time, energy and money in yourself every day. – When you invest in yourself, you can never lose, and over time you will change the trajectory of your life. You are simply the product of what you know. The more time, energy and money you spend acquiring pertinent knowledge, the more control you have over your life.
4. Explore new ideas and opportunities often. – Your natural human fears of failure and embarrassment will sometimes stop you from trying new things. But you must rise above these fears, for your life’s story is simply the culmination many small, unique experiences. And the more unique experiences you have, the more interesting your story gets. So seek as many new life experiences as possible and be sure to share them with the people you care about. Not doing so is not living.
5. When sharpening your career skills, focus more on less. – Think in terms of Karate: A black belt seems far more impressive than a brown belt. But does a brown belt really seem any more impressive than a red belt? Probably not to most people. Remember that society elevates experts high onto a pedestal. Hard work matters, but not if it’s scattered in diverse directions. So narrow your focus on learning fewer career related skills and master them all.
6. People are not mind readers. Tell them what you’re thinking.– People will never know how you feel unless you tell them. Your boss? Yeah, he doesn’t know you’re hoping for a promotion because you haven’t told him yet. That cute girl you haven’t talked to because you’re too shy? Yeah, you guessed it; she hasn’t given you the time of day simply because you haven’t given her the time of day either. In life, you have to communicate with others. And often, you have to open your vocal cords and speak the first words. You have to tell people what you’re thinking. It’s as simple as that.
7. Make swift decisions and take immediate action. – Either you’re going to take action and seize new opportunities, or someone else will first. You can’t change anything or make any sort of progress by sitting back and thinking about it. Remember, there’s a huge difference between knowing how to do something and actually doing it. Knowledge is basically useless without action.
8. Accept and embrace change. – However good or bad a situation is now, it will change. That’s the one thing you can count on. So embrace change, and realize that change happens for a reason. It won’t always be easy or obvious at first, but in the end it will be worth it.
9. Don’t worry too much about what other people think about you. – For the most part, what other people think and say about you doesn’t matter. When I was 18, I let the opinions of my high school and early college peers influence my decisions. And, at times, they steered me away from ideas and goals I strongly believed in. I realize now, ten years later, that this was a foolish way to live, especially when I consider that nearly all of these people whose opinions I cared so much about are no longer a part of my life. Unless you’re trying to make a great first impression (job interview, first date, etc.), don’t let the opinions of others stand in your way. What they think and say about you isn’t important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
10. Always be honest with yourself and others. – Living a life of honesty creates peace of mind, and peace of mind is priceless. Period.
11. Talk to lots of people in college and early on in your career. – Bosses. Colleagues. Professors. Classmates. Social club members. Other students outside of your major or social circle. Teaching assistants. Career advisors. College deans. Friends of friends. Everyone! Why? Professional networking. I have worked for three employers since I graduated from college (I left my first two employers by choice on good terms), but I only interviewed with the first employer. The other two employers offered me a job before I even had a formal interview, based strictly on the recommendation of a hiring manager (someone I had networked with over the years). When employers look to fill a position, the first thing they do is ask the people they know and trust if they know someone who would do well in the position. If you start building your professional network early, you’ll be set. Over time, you’ll continue talking to new people you meet through your current network and your network’s reach and the associated opportunities will continue to snowball for the duration of your career.
12. Sit alone in silence for at least ten minutes every day. – Use this time to think, plan, reflect, and dream. Creative and productive thinking flourish in solitude and silence. With quiet, you can hear your thoughts, you can reach deep within yourself, and you can focus on mapping out the next logical, productive step in your life.
13. Ask lots of questions. – The greatest ‘adventure’ is the ability to inquire, to ask questions. Sometimes in the process of inquiry, the search is more significant than the answers. Answers come from other people, from the universe of knowledge and history, and from the intuition and deep wisdom inside yourself. These answers will never surface if you never ask the right questions. Thus, the simple act of asking the right questions is the answer.
14. Exploit the resources you do have access to. – The average person is usually astonished when they see a physically handicap person show intense signs of emotional happiness. How could someone in such a restricted physical state be so happy? The answer rests in how they use the resources they do have. Stevie Wonder couldn’t see, so he exploited his sense of hearing into a passion for music, and he now has 25 Grammy Awards to prove it.
15. Live below your means. – Live a comfortable life, not a wasteful one. Do not spend to impress others. Do not live life trying to fool yourself into thinking wealth is measured in material objects. Manage your money wisely so your money does not manage you. Always live well below your means.
16. Be respectful of others and make them feel good. – In life and business, it’s not so much what you say that counts, it’ how you make people feel. So respect your elders, minors, and everyone in between. There are no boundaries or classes that define a group of people that deserve to be respected. Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby brother. Supporting, guiding, and making contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards. In order to get, you have to give.
17. Excel at what you do. – There’s no point in doing something if you aren’t going to do it right. Excel at your work and excel at your hobbies. Develop a reputation for yourself, a reputation for consistent excellence.
18. Be who you were born to be. – You must follow your heart, and be who you were born to be. Some of us were born to be musicians – to communicate intricate thoughts and rousing feelings with the strings of a guitar. Some of us were born to be poets – to touch people’s hearts with exquisite prose. Some of us were born to be entrepreneurs – to create growth and opportunity where others saw rubbish. And still, some of us were born to be or do whatever it is, specifically, that moves you. Regardless of what you decide to do in your lifetime, you better feel it in every fiber of your being. You better be born to do it! Don’t waste your life fulfilling someone else’s dreams and desires.

But above all, laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can’t change. Life is short, yet amazing. Enjoy the ride.

Europe Land

Rothenburge Germany
Venice Italy

Dachau Concentration Camp

Chillon Castle, Switzerland
Eifel Tower, France
Parliament and Big Ben, London
Some amazing ladies and gents that I met

I miss Europe and getting to visit really cool places and getting to meet really nice people from all over the world. I miss my friends that I made on the trip and my "tour romance" haha. so dumb. I think I really miss the rush of adventure that you get when you go somewhere new and explore places you have only seen on T.V. I will never stop exploring.

my food baby is named Jenifer.

I miss these chicas. Hawaii just is not the same without them. Man. I am just baffled at how this week has been! So up and down and all over the place. Crying, laughing, feeling peaceful, feeling the spirit, yelling, and a lot of quiet observations. Why do i still feel like im in high school? I feel like im hiding like my first few years of high school. No one really knows who I am, and if you show too much of who you are all at once, it freaks people out..... Not that im freaky... but i really doubt anyone understands me very well. In high school, one thing i was really good at was figuring people out. I found that after meeting someone for the first time, i could make one quick assessment of them based on observation and just the feeling i get when i meet them, and then that "judgement" would ring true to me at a later time. I feel like im doing this again, being thrown into a sea of new and intimidating people. I miss my familiars. Where you don't have to be careful about what you say because they can already read your mind and were about to say the exact same thing and so you both end up laughing really hard about it. I miss laughing really hard. I want to laugh so hard that i cry and my ribs hurt! That seems to only happen with Alex lol. I want to be funny again. No one thinks im funny..... or if they do they are only laughing on the inside. I want to be in a play again! over half a year without being in a show!!!! i have not had a break from theater in a little over 5 years. But its okay... it will always be there. A mission on the other hand!!! I talked again to my bishop today and he said we could start the paper work next week!!! ah man. im so excited! Im always wondering where im going to go. Well anywho... i should probably start using paragraphs so its easier to follow my thoughts... bye!

i have no images!

My computer is being fixed at the moment, so im borrowing my fabulous roommates computer. (thanks erin) Well things are getting better here in Hawaii. ive started to change my attitude. The other day when i was so lonely i could die, i went for a walk around campus and ended up finding a secret place where i could have a nice pity party for myself. I cried there for about an hour and then went home, took a shower, and read my scriptures. Ever since then i have felt great! I think it may have been one of those things where you let your emotions build up for too long and you have to have a dramatic outlet.
The ways my life has gotten better.
1. Im being set up on a blind date by my co-worker Nate and im actually excited.
2. I love my job at the cage, the people are so nice and its really chill.
3. im learning espanol!
4. I start my papers in the next few weeks to go on a mission in January!
5. I have a crush on a kid from England. (it might just be his accent)
6. I actually enjoy reading now that i found hunger games.
7. I learned how to play an F chord on my guitar, opening the song possibility to infinity!
8. The sadness I felt over Dan is slowly going away and im accepting him more as a friend.
9. I go to bed early now.
10. I have much to look forward to.

and thats all i have to say about that.

im so lonely i could die

So Dan the man and i broke up last night. It was mutual and not like super dramatic or anything... he is close to going on his mission and were so far a part that were practically just friends anyway so we decided that this will be better so that we dont expect so much from each other when, really were not in that serious of a relationship. im still sad to be in an "open relationship". basically im single... but im not interested in anyone else and i dont really want to be. my heart still belongs to dan.

three days...

well, next tuesday i head back to the land of Aloha. i feel like im having a tug of war in my heart because im for sure ready to get back to school and i miss my house and im excited for my new roommate who is taking spanish with me! its going to be a party in our room all the time! but then ALL the people i really care about are here and as much as they promise to come see me or stay in touch.... its just not the same. my friends have always been my family so life gets really hard for me if i dont have certain friends to help me through. like, you know how you crave certain foods? well i crave my different friends and being on an island a bazillion miles away is SO HARD! But... im going to start looking at this differently. im going to get involved in school stuff. im going to work out everyday. im going to quit my stupid job that i hate and get one i like. And im going to reach out more to people who may not seem like i could be friends with them... because im sure there are a ton of people out there who would make awesome friends but we just fail to introduce ourselves. well anywho... its late... and ps my blog sucks so if anyone wants to help me make it look better please feel free to give some pointers cuz im electronically challenged.

Its been a while since i have posted anything! and i couldnt just leave my last blog so depressing! Things with Dan are so much better! we got over whatever it was that was making our visit hard for us and then it was like we were best friends all over again! and now we talk everyday and its nice to have him back and being able to tell him anything and just getting his opinions on things and being my friend.

I have been home in Utah now for about three weeks and im loving every minute of it! Its so nice to have an army of people who i can call who are always wanting to go out and do stuff that i wanna do and have fun! And everything that I love to do is here so its just that much better! And ive been able to help out a little bit with theater stuff at Dixie College and ive been so deprived of anything theater for so long that its like heaven just to be able to see a decent show! So basically what im saying is, im not quite ready to go back to Hawaii yet. I havn't left behind enough good memories there to consider it a second home. But im hoping that after this term and semester I will be able to call Laie my other home town and have something to look forward to after I leave it. Well anywho, life is good and im happy. thats all i can ask for!

He is not the same at all. I wish i hadn't come. end of story, he doesn't feel the same about me which makes me not really want to feel the same about him. friends it is i suppose.... :(

flashback... flashforward

im having a wonderful time right now listening to my 90's playlist that i made! there were so many good songs that i have forgotten about! especially the "if you want to buy me flowers... then go ahead now!" one... its my favorite one... and karma police. I have been trying to entertain myself until school ends and i can go home. Also Dan and i have been getting in a few tifs lately, but luckily we worked them all out so im actually excited to see him again haha. Im semi afraid of what will happen after i see him and then we have to go back to not really having any visits or anything to look forward to.... i yuv him and don't really wanna break up. sigh. not to be worried about right now.

I gave blood earlier today, my first time in like 8 months, and i forgot how weird it feels to not have a pint of blood in you. i was a space cadet for the rest of the day! which didn't help with work and my grotsky snob co-worker who feels like she has to pick on me. Im glad i donated though. it always makes me feel good about myself.

Im so freaking excited to go home!!!!! i have so many plans! im not going to have any time to even breath! so many people to visit, trails to mountain bike, streets to bike, hills to bomb, showers to sing in, karaoke bars to rock, food to eat, canyons to explore, and just general adventures to be had. It might be the best summer i ever have :) and im excited to see my love again :) :)!ok... well im really sleepy now so i will end this little rant. thanks for reading !

I would just like to take a moment and thank these people for being intuitive and caring enough to help me in a time of need, some without me even communicating that i needed it. thanks guys, its nice to be reminded of my army of support.

-Stephanie Holm

-Ally Robison

-Dan Noyes

-Hannah Davenport

-Chelsea Owens

-Pete Leavitt

-mom

Thanks for helping me find sunshine in a dark world.

my life as a hermit.

well... now that everyone is gone for summer, life is slowly getting more and more dull. my life pretty much consists of school, making sandwiches for annoying people at subway, dealing with my horrid co-workers, watching lost, playing PVZ, and the occasional beach visit. Im so happy that i have something to look forward to. Only 22 more days best friend!! :) Oh, i have also kinda started liking Paramore... which i wasn't really into them before, then i heard the song "All I Wanted" and its so good! I just wanna run around screaming when i hear it... perhaps it will motivate me to go running? maybe... also i am so happy that i am a literate individual... you know that i can form complete sentences that make sense and are usually spelled correctly. There are so many people online not using proper english. Not from this country? Thats fine, this rant is not for you. Lived in the US your whole life? Well let me tell you something... there are three types of theres. there, they're, and their. Why are there three of them? because we need them. Oh! there are three types of to as well! to, two, and too. Please just learn how to use them.... it's not a huge deal but it's just bugging me now that i'm a hermit and have nothing better to do. You know what doesn't count for me at least? Capitalization of the letter i. Or just any word really. Ok... well i think i have said about enough here. Jolly good!

What? OH..... really? i have the entire day to myself? I don't have work... or school... or any other meetings or responsibilities? well! im just blown away! what should i do with this glorious day? i should go to the bank and then the DMV and perhaps the coin machine at Food land that gives you magic monies.... but maybe i will go to the beach instead... or watch movies and sleep... or.... wow there's not really a whole lot to do here by yourself... and im pretty sure no one else gets the day off... plan foiled!

OOOooooh NOOOoooo

so here i am at stephanies at her treat party. were just playin some games that i suck at so im just watching them all sing Glee songs and remembering how i havnt felt this way since high school. I dont know what it is.. like... i dont really fit in... dont get me wrong everyone is so nice and funny... but its that feeling like you are just another person existing in the room instead of being involved. You are probably thinking "well thats your own dang fault for not trying or putting yourself out there!" well i do. Im just not feelin the activities right now. I think i just miss my friends from st george who let me be whoever i wanted to be (which was usually just myself) i never ever ever felt like i needed to impress anyone and never felt threatened by anyone. (like i did in high school) I feel on guard and reserved. I cant be explosive and weird because i feel judged. people think that im doing it for attention (and maybe i am, get over it) but really thats just who i am. grrrr i feel stupid for feeling like this but i cant help but feel it. any suggestions?

Loneliness has punched me in the face. and it punched me good and hard. But no matter how many people i hang out with or parties i go to or movies i watch.... it doesn't really go away. its just there poking me in the eye... just kinda annoyingly. then all the sudden it just jumps up and gives it to me right there in the face. there is only one cure for this type of lonely. and it lives in oregon. poop.

sigh...

I miss my friend dan. He is my most bestest friend and i love him with all my heart. Here are more reasons why i love him so. He is always honest with me about everything, even if its arbitrary. and sometimes he is so honest it hurts but i would rather not have things sugar coated. He never gets angry at me and would do anything to get me to smile if im sad. He would die if he ever thought i might be mad at him (which i rarely am). He is really really cute :). He always wants to do something fun, but can make sitting around fun too. He lets me rub his little face whiskers when he doesn't shave. He didn't get mad when i accidentally elbowed him in the face... or when i gave him a flat tire on his long board... or any of the other times i abused him on accident. He never tells my secrets and always listens to everything i tell him and even remembers some of them! (do all guys have problems with that? haha)

He continues to love me even though im kinda weird and kinda crazy... but he always lets me know that im not alone. He is kinda crazy too and he is a NERD! He also lets me know that I am a geek :). He tells me to go for what i want and to never compromise anything that i love. I hate that he is so far away now. I really really feel like a little chunk of me is missing. I don't even know what to do with myself. ( just like that white stripes song). and it especially sucks that every single thing is Laie reminds me of him becau

se we pretty much painted this town red. sigh. oh how i love him. He does this funny thing with his eyebrows when he is concentrating on something and when he is feeling silly he starts rolling his R's and will talk in that accent until he knows its bugging me. He always gives me his I pod touch over night so i can play games on it. he gave me a sweater, two pillows, a blanket, and his favorite transformers shirt to remember him by. I gave him a note. and a kiss. like ten of them. wish he were here so i could hug him. he is my love.

the best day ever

Yesterday I went to Waimea Bay where they have a large rock out in the ocean. You swim out to the rock and have to hurry and scramble up all of this moss before a giganto wave comes and swishes you off! Then you get to the top... and its SO COOL! and so big! and you can see sea turtles (i like turdows!) and I saw whales breaching and slapping their fins as if they were saying hello to me! (so precious) i love whales. Then you jump off the rock and its so much fun and you do it over and over and over! and Dan and Spencer did back flips and dives because they are crazy fools! Then we went down onto the beach and body surfed in the waves and got thrashed because the waves were HUGE! it was so fun! Then we walked to Kava Root to get Acai bowls but they were closed so we just watched the sun go down and it was so beautiful. Dan sat with me on this upjutty type rock and we talked like the good times. Then we were waiting for the bus and we met this old homeless guy and he was pretty rad haha he was totally crazy but he had some interesting things to say. Then we took the long bus ride back home and it was nice cuz i got to think for a while. We got home and went and ate at Chop Suey in Laie and ate so much food i thought i was gonna die but i was totally satisfied. Then i went home and me and Dan played Plants VS Zombies on my bed (more fun than it sounds) and it was just a really nice night! :) it was the perfect day. and i didnt even get sun burned.

my fwend

This is my friend Dan. I think he's pretty neat. He is super nice and never ever ever gets angry. He lets me tell him stupid stories and laughs when i make weird noises. We go longboarding and go body surfing at the beach. We jump off big rocks and sometimes we just sit around and watch movies. He has red hair and a cute face and nice white straight teeth. His eyes are a browny green color and he has freckles. He plays my favorite songs and lets me sing a long even though sometimes the guitar part is boring for him...... but now he has changed a bit..... and i dont know how to feel. he leaves in april and i most likely wont ever see him again... so part of me says whats the point? but every person we meet is special and there is a reason we met them... so, what happens happens i suppose. maybe i will talk to him tonight.

No one should call you a dreamer

Thank you Animal Collective for thinking me this blog. Why is everyone such a debby downer!? There all like, "Take your time graduating! Just go work some dead end job for the summer so you can pay off your million dollar school loans and stay is school and hide as long as you can, cuz there is NO way you are going to get a job!!!" You know what i think of that? Eff it. some people dont even go to college and they do fine! all i wanna do is live in the desert and like.... go river rafting and like take people river rafting and climb mountains and go to church and perhaps do some sort of anthropological study. k? So dont you dare call me a dreamer!!!! I can go to Broadway if i damn well please! I just.... dont feel like right this second. so there.

cultural theory

So i have taken a crash course in cultural theory and would now like to reflect upon what I have learned and how my perspectives have changed. I cant believe how small and close minded I have been! I thought that I understood cultural diversity and differences between people but BOY was i wrong. And now im living in one of the most "racist against white people" places ever and I am seeing how I am viewed and im learning when to keep my mouth shut, and at the same time learning how to promote peace. So there is this philosopher and his name is Marx and there are all these other philosophers who are considered Marxist theorists. One of the ones that i paid attention to the most is Adorno. He talks about how the media puts out the stuff that everyone should see and consume. we call it "pop culture" (cough cough brandon) and the media just feeds this crap to you and its all unoriginal and its just re-run vomit from the past. What we consider cool is the same thing that people thought was cool 50 years ago but pop culture disguises this and makes you think you are seeing new original art, movies, clothes, images, ect. But really, once youve seen one romantic comedy, youve seen them all. Then there is original culture or "underground culture" where the working class is almost rising against pop culture by making original art and having original thoughts. man that is so cool! and its making me think... go kill your tv and shut the hell up about high school musical, miley cyrus, and the bachelor! UGH!