Reflections of You

You know that feeling? The feeling of complete peace and relaxation after a storm has raged in you for so long? I almost forgot what it felt like.  Even though I had made strides in my recovery from my relationship with Eric, I was still very wounded.  I don't know how else to describe it. I just felt broken. I still thought about him everyday. Its as if my brain was a washing machine that was cycling and cycling, trying desperately to cleanse my mind of the sorrow and anger that I felt.  I got so tired of feeling such negative things. It snuck up on me a few nights ago and I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. I have never had a panic attack and it was the most awful thing. But it must be what I needed. I drove to the desert and screamed as loud as I could. I threw rocks and tried my best to just give all of my grief to God.  I probably spent a good 2 hours mourning in the desert. I cleaned up my face and then took myself on a date. Since then, I have felt so good. I finally feel like I am free from all of the sadness and anger.  I learned that Eric and I were not wrong... it really could have been the greatest! But he made decisions that made that impossible and that is not what I want. I have watched him make really really poor choices since the time he broke up with me, and I can honestly say that Im looking forward to finding something better for my life. I know that God works in his own way, and I am trying harder to REALLY trust in his process.  I am discovering how much I deserve to be loved and how much I am worth.  I wanted so badly to believe that I will never be in love again and that I would be so much happier just living out my days with just my great friends, but I am worth more than that. I am going to continue to learn about myself and work on my flaws so that I can be ready for the blessings ahead. I love my life. Even with all the bumps.

"put me on the shelf, discipline myself to let the sparks die out, I'm shattering everything that holds reflections of you" - Misterwives

Blowin in the Wind

I may have made some rash life decisions on account of my brain not being able to process my break up with Eric. I decided to drop my life in Provo and "go where the grass is greener" by moving back to St. George. Throughout these two months that I have had to really realize and understand that Eric is never coming back and that it was really really really really over, I was trying so hard to be ok, but was continually falling apart and re-wallowing in my sadness. Luckily, last week I finally messaged him, begging for the closure I needed, and to let him know that I just wasn't "getting well" and moving on. It may seem selfish and terrible that when he told me that he was miserable and not doing well in school, I was relieved. It is the worst feeling in the world to think that the person you loved and who left you is doing dandy and is moving right a long with their life while you are stuck in misery. We had a really good talk. I am convinced that this is not what he wanted as much as it is something he felt like he had to do for some reason. And that is comforting. You know how it feels to finally get that fuzz out of your eye? Or when you finally get that tiny sliver out of your thumb? Thats how this conversation felt. Liberating. Like I can finally move on in a positive and healthy way knowing that he cares about me and that I can find whatever is out there for me. 

Anyway, back to my rash decision. Now that I am feeling better, I am wishing that I hadn't chosen to leave so quickly. Who knows, maybe I am supposed to go to St George, but I really like my life here.... sigh. Im just blowin in the wind. 

Getting Over Things

I wish I was more consistent about blogging. I really love going back and reading about my life!  Well... Life has been really kind for a long time to me... and then it got really confusing and unfair. I met my most favorite human in the whole world. Eric Goold. We were really good friends for about 9 months and we were never interested in dating each other, and then out of the blue I realized that I was jealous that he was flirting with my friend. A few months later, I mustered the courage to tell him how I felt, and as it turned out, he felt the same. The problem? He had just been accepted into medical school on the east coast.
We had a trip to Alaska planned and were going backpacking for four days on the Crow Pass Trail near Anchorage. The trip was magical. The happiest I have ever felt with another person. I cant even describe to you how elated I was to be stinky and tired and walking so many hours a day with that guy. We made it official on that trip and decided to make it work long distance.
That went really well for a while. I sent letters, and packages, and we skyped and called all the time and things were great! We were so excited for me to come out and actually visit him in Richmond.
When I got to Richmond, I encountered an Eric that I had never met before. He was withdrawn, tired, and stressed about school. It was so understandable as he was working harder than he had ever had to work before in school. I came at the worst possible time, as he had his first test the day after I left. This trip was not magical and blissful like all our other weekends that we had had together. I was a little disappointed and he could see that. We talked it out on my last night and I thought we had hashed it out to needing more time to work things out. To see where things would go. For me to move out in January so that we could actually date in person.
Two days after I got home, Eric texted me to tell me it was over and that he wanted me to call him. I was so bewildered and confused. His excuses make no sense to me. To keep things short, he basically gave up on me and this relationship. We were planning on getting married and then he dropped this huge bomb on it! He said that it just didnt make sense to him anymore and that he would eventually grow to resent me, and I him. I think he is just stressed... that he got scared because things were not as magical as they were. Reality set in and he realized that work was involved in this relationship and I think he just couldnt handle med school AND a relationship. He couldnt live up to his perfectionist standards for the perfect boyfriend/husband.
I am heart broken. So many plans have gone to waste. So many good times are now tainted with the anger I feel. Today was actually a break through day for me as I realized that everything happens for a reason and I need to trust that God has bigger plans for me. Maybe I would not have been happy with a husband who spent more time with school than he did with me. Although I cant see it now, I know I will see Gods hand in this later. Eric made a dumb decision in not even trying to work it out. But Im not going to worry about that anymore. Im going to move forward, saying "whatever will be will be."

Friend Heroes

Im here visiting Hawaii and it is good. It has brought some thoughts. It is very very hard to be Mormon. Well, its hard and its easy at the same time. Its hard for me, because I have a punk rock heart and it has a hard time being calm and doing churchly duties. I have been through a lot of pain (my own doing) in the church and now that I have come out on top with a true desire to obey the commandments, I have been blessed with opportunities to help others who are in similar situations that I was in. To those people I say may God comfort you and bless you in what you are going through. I know the pain all too well and that miserable gulf that seems to swallow you whole. I am so proud of my friends who are doing what they need to do in order to feel the peace of repentance in their lives. Im so happy for the trust they feel in me to listen and help and I am thankful for the trials I have faced that brought me to this spot in life.

Being Me

I have come to the conclusion that I am the happiest I have ever been in a long time. Like I think about my life and I don't even feel an inkling of sadness or frustration. Im just content! I have accepted that Im never going to be a great deep thinker, or a very creative decorator. Im funny and say weird inappropriate things and thats alright! Im finding that when I am authentically me, people notice and appreciate it. Today I was on a plane, and the guy next to me told me he was glad that he barely made it onto his flight because I was one of the most interesting people he had ever met. Who could ask for a more flattering compliment at age 25? If I had been anything but myself, I dont think that would have happened. I think it has been so easy to just be myself lately, because I stopped worrying about dumb stuff. I dont worry about what people think of me. I dont worry too much about what I'm going to wear. I dont worry about whether the day will be good or not. And good things are just coming to me! I got the two jobs that I really wanted and am tasting financial stability for the first time in a long time. I have so many good friends. My heart seriously swells when I think about how much I love my friends. I have the gospel and Im discovering everyday how important it is to me and how I am making it mine. Boys are even being thrown my way now that I feel I have achieved somewhat of a balance in my life. Do I want any of them? Not really. They will mess up the balance!! But they are there, and that is encouraging. :) Namaste.