Friday, December 19, 2014

Reflections of You

You know that feeling? The feeling of complete peace and relaxation after a storm has raged in you for so long? I almost forgot what it felt like.  Even though I had made strides in my recovery from my relationship with Eric, I was still very wounded.  I don't know how else to describe it. I just felt broken. I still thought about him everyday. Its as if my brain was a washing machine that was cycling and cycling, trying desperately to cleanse my mind of the sorrow and anger that I felt.  I got so tired of feeling such negative things. It snuck up on me a few nights ago and I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. I have never had a panic attack and it was the most awful thing. But it must be what I needed. I drove to the desert and screamed as loud as I could. I threw rocks and tried my best to just give all of my grief to God.  I probably spent a good 2 hours mourning in the desert. I cleaned up my face and then took myself on a date. Since then, I have felt so good. I finally feel like I am free from all of the sadness and anger.  I learned that Eric and I were not wrong... it really could have been the greatest! But he made decisions that made that impossible and that is not what I want. I have watched him make really really poor choices since the time he broke up with me, and I can honestly say that Im looking forward to finding something better for my life. I know that God works in his own way, and I am trying harder to REALLY trust in his process.  I am discovering how much I deserve to be loved and how much I am worth.  I wanted so badly to believe that I will never be in love again and that I would be so much happier just living out my days with just my great friends, but I am worth more than that. I am going to continue to learn about myself and work on my flaws so that I can be ready for the blessings ahead. I love my life. Even with all the bumps.

"put me on the shelf, discipline myself to let the sparks die out, I'm shattering everything that holds reflections of you" - Misterwives

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