A new song... i havent written one in so long!!

This song is about my dad and how i struggled with his death


Cant hold me back
the desert makes me wild
and im on a fast track
to conjuring your ghost

I know i cant
shouldnt think such childish things
but i let a thought
conjure your ghost now

And all that i thought was ours,
really belonged to God and dont we know it?
But we shared it with him in the hour
oh how he lets us love oh how he shows it
we never could compare
though try we dare
the stuff out there to whats right here
whats right here?

watch my wanderings
over endless desert landscape without life
and all my ponderings
bout what it all means

how ghosts are just ghosts
and dont come back unless they have reason
though i miss you most
guess im not reason enough

Just a weird thought thats not really very profound

You know when youre listening to a song thats SO good to you at that moment that you can hardly do anything else because you are so enthralled just listening to that song? well thats how I feel about 40 day dream by Edward Sharpe and the magnetic zeros. Anyway, thats not why i suddenly felt inclined to write in my long neglected blog.
The real reason is that I was thinking a lot about the law of attraction and how funny it is... like... really really really quiet weird boys tend to just go so well with complicated girls... who are kinda weird too, but theyre loud. and then i was thinking about myself and tried to picture the opposite of myself as a boy... Im okay with what i saw.

(okay for real, im in love with this song!)

And then I started thinking about what i am REALLY... because you cant really define what your opposite is until you know what you are first... so what am i?  I like to think that im not really a romantic person... but i know that if a person i really liked did something romantic... i would melt. but other peoples romance makes me very uncomfortable. And im not a huge fan of romantic movies. (okay so maybe i dont want the opposite of those qualities in a man) okay next. I enjoy being alone but also always feel like im dying of loneliness.. conundrum.  I dont need a man to make me happy... yet I blog about the possible existence of one perfect for me (which i know doesnt exist). ew. This blog is not working out the way I had planned it to!

Nah heres the thing. I just want a zebra who has stripes like mine. :)  (preferably with a beard) i can be white with black stripes and he can be white with black stripes.

my future

 WILDLIFE BIOLOGY!!

Well,  I think I have made all the major decisions that I can make right now in regards to my future.... and im sooo excited about it! I just love planning things! well, Im going to finish my degree in Anthropology at BYU Hawaii and hopefully I will be able to work with a science professor ex bishop friend on some volunteer experience working with animals and doing research type stuff... then im going to do an animal conservation internship in Alaska in a little town thats just south of anchorage working with injured alaskan wildlife and learning how to work with data and how to educate people about the animals... then I will hopefully be accepted into grad school at Utah State University where I hope to work with a professor named Doctor Frey in the field of human-wildlife conflict management!  And thats about as far as i have gotten... but dang am i excited!!!

Sooo... I decided that Im going to do the Pacific Crest Trail (or otherwise known as the PCT) one day. I would like to do it sooner than later... but im thinking it will have to wait for a few years until I will have enough time (and money) to do it. I have been reading up on it and I feel this undeniable need to do it!  Yes... it would be incredibly hard. But I feel that, like running the marathon, or serving my mission, it would be one of those character building things that I would never forget. So.. thats the plan for now. Pretty vague and far off.. but its a dream of mine that I plan on making a reality. Now, who wants to come with me!? ;) 

YAY! I got a job!! 

I didn't think I would have the opportunity to get a job what with my knee surgery and all that, but a few weeks before my surgery a friend of mine said that his mom needed help taking care of his grandma who has Alzheimer's.  And since I have worked in home health care and also care for people with disabilities, I felt confident taking on the job. So far its been really great! The lady I take care of is SO sweet and wonderful (forgetful yes) and so beautiful. She is truly a lady at heart. She is so proper even in her disabled state. So this is where I hang out most of the day which is A ok with me!  The Lord is blessing me immensely! I often feel I don't deserve it. But I still appreciate it. :)  

So.... this is my poor little knee in my high tech ice brace (it constantly has ice water filtering through it!) and I don't feel a lot of pain right now, but I know that the worst is yet to come. :(  Thank goodness some genius invented Percocet!!  Any positive wishes are welcomed! I need them!

Mer.

Dont you hate it when you had really high expectations (or maybe just hopes for something) and they go nothing the way you planned them?  Yeah, i hate that too. hmph.  Im probably going to die a cat lady.

Im Back!

Well here I am making my big comeback after the mission. Life is pretty interesting right now. I don't work, nor am I in school... so im just kinda loafing around and having fun. And I feel so weird!  But its nice to be able to just have fun. I would say the most tiring part about being on a mission was having to care about, and solve, other peoples problems. So its good to have some me time. But i DO miss the mission. Life was so nice on the mission (and yet it was the hardest thing i have ever done!) because everything was planned out for you and you didn't have to worry about schools or jobs or relationships (except for those with your investigators).  So simple. And now its all complicated and i have to get loans and find a job! yuck!  AND i have to have surgery soon (that is IF a certain energy healer didn't heal my knee yesterday.... )  on my bum knee. But things are looking up!  Im on a diet and i will soon be back to fitting in my jeans! huzzah!  I guess overall you could just say that im in a state of thankfulness right now. So thankful that i even got to go on a mission and get to know so many amazing people and for my own conversion to the gospel. After experiencing what i have, i know that there is NO going back. I love this church and all the wonderful things i have learned. Over and out.