Not for me (New Song)

I don't wanna talk to the fly on the wall

I don't wanna talk to nobody at all

I don't really wanna be alone tonight

but feelin like this, i can win this fight

I guess you could say that i've given up

i wasn't ever aiming for a first place cup

but my soul cant even hope to survive

in a place that only ever tells it to die

it shouldn't be this hard

it shouldn't take this long

its taken this much pain

to see that this is wrong

All my "friends" try to give me advice

i can see them fake it, trying to be nice

they don't even know what goes on in my head

every night when i lye awake crying in bed

I know it seems im just being negative

its hard when you're alive and don't really live

just going through the motions, movin my feet

hiding my emotions without being discreet

it shouldn't be this hard

it shouldn't take this long

its taken this much pain

to see that this is wrong

The New Pornogrophers !!!

guess what? because roommate never comes home.... i dance in my room listening to the new pornographers. guess what else? other house mates are in the process of moving out. my life is becoming so happy!!!! no more subway! finals are over! house mates leaving! the farmers market is today AND its payday!!!!!

back to my turtle shell

well for some reason i cant type below this picture.... im slowly becoming an introvert home body. and i don't think im okay with that. the only good that has come from it, is that im more artistically inclined... since all i do it sit around and think all day. I want to go outside. I want to camp. I want to jump off of something. I want to hike stairway. Im going insane not having the tools or friends to get my outdoor fix. Its like ma drugs!!! But really... the unsettled feeling in my stomach i think is what might lead people to drugs. Or its what i imagine happening to people as they get older. they get boring. I never ever want that to happen me! will someone please let me tag along on an adventure or something? Im so tired of movies and sleeping and feeling alone. Boo. :(

In the Night (new song i wrote)

Come I know a place that we can go

hidden well but not far from the road

we can sit and talk amongst the pines

lay with me and tell of trying times

As the sun fades air is getting cold

as the sun fades i am getting bold

I don't wanna leave this spot tonight

don't want the time to take away the light

Hold my hand before i go insane

confused excited feeling i cant tame

hold me close and tell me silly things

just kiss my lips and give my heart its wings

ignore the phone no one can tell us no

please stay with me so we don't have to go

i wont say it if you don't say it first

we don't have to leave or be coerced

let me hide my hands behind your neck

look into my eyes and stay in check

warm my frozen nose against your chest

tightly in a mold we could stay pressed

i think that in the dark this peaceful night

in this peaceful night that i just might

ask you why it is we are just friends

and if you kissed me how it all would end

oh how it all would end.

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as usual any comments or criticism is appreciated! thanks for reading!

teedle hee

i go to the dentist on tuesday! ahh! i hope i don't have any cavities... but chances are, i do. i haven't been to the dentist in like 5 years... seriously... that long! the doctor even longer! so it was nice to go and find out i don't have any diseases. Guys! im getting so close to putting in my papers! im so nervous/excited! i taught gospel doctrine today and taught the story of Jonah and the whale and how we need to spread the word of the lord. I feel like it was kind of my confirmation that im on the right track. :) I had fun teaching and the spirit was really strong. I think i did a good job of combining fun with the spirit. im excited to be surrounded by the spirit all the time and to see the lord change some lives! Its so amazing that i have this opportunity to witness miracles and to serve. I love my life. :)

heart cracks.

yes or no. is it weird that i talk to dans best friends like all the time but i haven't spoken to him in weeks? it seems like if i watch a sad movie or, in this case, just got done reading mockingjay, i think about how mad i am at him and how he probably doesn't know, or doesn't care that he has really hurt my feelings. I wouldn't say that he broke my heart. no. he only slightly cracked what was glued back together. My heart has only been seriously shattered once and i never plan to ever let it be even slightly broken that badly again. And not all breaks are caused by failed relationships. I think, maybe my hearts bondings were weakened when my parents got divorced... even more so when my dad died. Support beams falling as I lost my mothers trust in a moment of weakness. Crashed a few cars. Lost all my money from when my dad died. and then a long came the person who ruined my life and shattered my heart. (well obviously he didn't ruin my life since im still here and roughly the same person i was before) And that is a whole other can of worms that i choose never to open. ever.

i wish...

1. I wish i didn't walk on eggshells

2. I wish i didn't receive a but load of unwanted advice from people who have no idea who I am.

3. I wish i felt pretty again.

4. I wish people knew how much i really don't think about dan.

5. I wish people knew that i still love him, i don't hate him at all.

6. I wish someone would be really excited about things that matter to me instead of saying "hmm"

7. I wish i could accurately describe what im feeling but im too retarded.

8. I wish ally were here.

9. I wish I wasn't always in the judgement seat.

Just leave me alone. I don't care about what you think of me! Ever since i was little my mother said I was a free spirit. Im going to stay true to who i am. I wont change for you and your standards.